The Ex-files: I'm worried my children will be impacted by ex's bad behaviour

Question: I have separated from my husband whom I suspect is a narcissist. We have two children together. I would like to be on good terms with him. Unfortunately, he has been difficult to engage with and is prone to hostility. I am worried about how my children will be impacted by his behaviour. What is the best way for me to engage with him to minimise the negative impact on our children?

Answer: A lot of my clients think their ex-partner or spouse is “narcissistic.” In some cases, that may be correct. In other cases, the ex-partner may simply exhibit difficult personality traits. I have consulted with a clinical psychologist, Dr JC Coetzee about narcissistic personalities. Below he identifies the traits of narcissistic personality disorder (“NPD”), the impact on children, and tips on how to deal with an ex-partner or ex-spouse who suffers from NPD. In my view, the tips are also useful for managing a separation from a difficult ex-partner.

From Dr Coetzee:

The characteristics of NPD

NPD is characterised by a constant need for admiration, a pattern of grandiosity, and a lack of empathy for others. This could be shown in the following ways:

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance;

2. A pre-occupation with fantasies of their own unlimited success, brilliance or power (grandiosity);

3. An excessive need for admiration/reassurance from others;

4. A lack of empathy for others and inability to recognise the needs of others;

5. An expectation of compliance with what they want; and

6. Displays of an arrogant or haughty attitude.

The features above must have a significant impairment of the person’s functioning to warrant a diagnosis of NPD.

NPD is not something that can be “cured,” but it is a condition that is treatable through psychological therapies.

How does the presence of NPD in one parent affect children?

A child may be adversely affected if they are parented by a parent with NPD. The impact will vary depending on the severity of the narcissistic traits, the child’s temperament, and the overall family dynamics.

Some examples of adverse effects experienced by children whose parents are narcissistic are as follows:

1. Emotional neglect: narcissistic parents often prioritise their own needs and desires over those of their children;

2. Anxiety and feelings of powerlessness: narcissistic parents tend to manipulate and control children to maintain their own sense of power;

3. Low self-esteem or self-worth: if the child believes their parent’s love is conditional on their ability to fulfil the parent’s expectations;

4. Difficulty respecting boundaries in their own relationships after a childhood where their parent has not respected the child’s boundaries;

5. Difficulty expressing their emotions after growing up in an environment where a parent has not acknowledged or valued their emotions as a child.

Where a child is parented by a narcissistic parent, having healthy supports in place for the child can help minimise the negative impact on them.

What is the best way to interact with a former spouse who is narcissistic?

Communicate calmly and carefully

Always maintain a calm demeanour in your communications with the person.

Keep all communications simple and concise. This will help minimise misunderstandings. Written communications may be preferable as you can avoid immediate confrontations and choose your words carefully.

Be mindful of the information you share. Narcissists may use personal information against you, so limit the details you disclose.

Where possible, limit interactions to only essential communication to reduce the potential for conflict with the narcissist. Avoid engaging in discussions that could escalate into conflict. In extreme cases, it may be necessary to severely limit or cut off contact with the person if their behaviour continues to be harmful. However, your well-being is a priority.

Maintain boundaries

Maintaining boundaries is difficult with NPD personalities given that the root of the disorder involves a lack of empathy for others and an excessive need for admiration. Notwithstanding this, maintaining boundaries is crucial for your wellbeing. Let the NPD person know what behaviours you consider unacceptable and what the consequences will be if they exhibit those behaviours. Narcissists may react defensively or try to manipulate you when faced with boundaries. You should stay calm, firm, and consistent in enforcing your boundaries.

Seek support

At times it may be necessary to involve a neutral third party or mediator during interactions. This person can provide support, ensure fair communication, and diffuse tension if conflicts arise.

For your own emotional wellbeing, reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance. Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, so having a support system is crucial.

Learn more about NPD to better understand the behaviour patterns and challenges associated with the disorder. This knowledge can help you navigate interactions more effectively.

Final consideration

In addition to Dr Coetzee’s tips above, it is important to avoid letting your children witness any frustrations you may experience with the NPD person. Though they may be narcissistic (or just difficult), that person remains their parent. It is important to shelter the child from conflict as much as possible. Ongoing exposure to conflict can have long-term effects on the child’s mental health and general wellbeing.

To read the full article on the NZ Herald website click here